You'll be back

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Eh?”

“…”

“Marcie?”

“…”

“Marcie!”

“...The time has come, Gina.”

“Marcie, do not, I repeat, do not try to turn this into your usual ceremonial bullshit!”

“We have at last arrived to cover the Dandy Andy show once more.”

“Uhu.”

“And, for the record, I was quite looking forward to this day.”

“For MY record, I STILL have not recovered from that fucking wedding! Do you know how many weeks I had to spend in a fucking box?”

“Well yes, I was beside you.”

“GRAAAAAAAHHHH! I WAS FUCKED BY A MERMAID MARCIE!”

“So, I heard.”

“I WAS TURNED INTO A MERMAID!”

“It is almost Halloween.”

“I WAS ABDUCTED BY A FUCKING PENGUIN!”

“Me too.”

“IN HIS MOUTH! I WAS IN A PENGUIN MOUTH! MARCIE!”

“I think the correct term would be penguin beak.”

“Whenever I close my eyes I still smell penguin!”

“Yes, a harrowing experience. I too was leaving this wedding scared and deformed.”

“...”

“But I assure you, my resolve has never been stronger!"

“UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“Dianne Gina, you know I am a righteous woman…”

“No…”

“Of my genius I am justly proud…”

“YOU ARE NOT FUCKING SINGING HERE YOU FUCKING DELUSIONAL MEGALOMANIAC BITCH!”

Gina hurls herself at Marcie with all the furry of an especially rabid ferret.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

“Haa….haaaa….haaa….”

“Gina, I need you to calm down…”

“What the fuck do you even see in that dweeb? He’s not even that hot!

“Well yes, of course you would say that, Gina.”

“I liked men once, you know! I had a boyfriend in middle school!”

“...really?”

“Yes, really! No seriously, I don’t get it. Like, what does Andy have that the pirate twink doesn’t?”

“Well, muscles for once.”

“Oh, come on! You like femboys! Femboys! Not some hulked up Superman cosplayer! You made Cutie wear a dress for his wedding! You want to see fucking Andy in a dress?”

“...maybe.”

“UGGGGHHHH!!!”

“Gina please. Femboys such as Curtis and Cutie are more like pets to me. Adorable in their own right yes, but utterly inadequate in their capacity to be my equal. I have needs, Gina.”

“Oh, my fucking God.”

“Andy. Andy is the real deal. A men among men. Such a specimen comes around once every millennia. I must have him.”

“Yeah well, you’re not getting him. The wedding is officially over. He's gone, Marcie."

"Well, Gina."

"..."

"I'll just have a feeling that he will be back."

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

She pointed up to the patchy sky, where the last embers of sunset had given way to a velvet dome of starlight. “I want to go skinny-dipping. Right now. Just for a minute. To… wash it away, I guess.”

“Skinny dipping, in the ocean at night…”

“…”

“That’s a classic shark set up!”

“Gina, please.”

“And they are back at land. No sharks, of course. And nobody even stole their clothes. Ugh, that’s the Andy show all right. Boring from the very start.”

“To bring some manner of order into this follow up, we resume our read right after the last challenge.”

“Right, back when you got apeshit or something.”

“Ehem, well that, I suppose you could say that I made a minor miscalculation. It happens to the best of us."

“Norah just couldn’t keep her trap shut, couldn’t she? I have to live with this crazy bitch, you know!”

She was dressed in loose linen pants and a simple, sleeveless blouse of soft white silk. No Host gown, no makeup, no jewelry. Her hair was down, unstyled, and for the first time Andy could , she looked not like a statue or a queen, but like a young woman trying to blend in.

“Arabella looks like a nerd with those pants. Now I have to wedgie her.”

“I believe Arabella would punish you for that, Gina. Creatively.”

“Pff, this loser is like one tier up from Cassandra in the pathetic host scale. I can handle her.”

“The true question is, can you handle our new contestant?”

“Right, because there are not enough bitches on this season already. We got yet another new girl. She is grumpy and mean so she is basically Norah 2.0”

“She reminds me more of an early Erin. Norah is her own can of worms.”

“Whatever, transformation time...we didn’t check the choices last time did we?”

“Apparently not, but then again this season does tend to really drag the end of round arrangements out.”

“Ok, basically just a massive amount of huge breasts stuff. How very interesting, creative and entertaining!”

“Well, I mean Dawn is turned into a bunny girl. That is somewhat creative?”

“The last season we read literally had a bunnygirl, Marcie.”

“Oh right, the forgettable one. I do not concern myself overmuch with people who do not recognize my genius, as you know.”

“Oh Erin’s just literally naked all the time now. Cool.”

“Hm, enforced nudity. It is a bit...too in your face for my taste but you can not argue with the results. Having to walk around naked while everyone else is clothed is delightfully mortifying. The fact that shoes are still allowed is a nice touch. It accentuates the nudity.”

“Guess one fetish Hugedick doesn’t have are feet.”

“Speaking of feet, Norah can only walk in heels now. Without them she has to crawl.”

“Can you not have that creepy grin on your face, Marcie?”

“Oh, perish the thought, Gina. I wasn’t planning to use company funds to buy off the worlds high heel supply. I would leave her 9 inches and plus."

“Dandy Andy obviously got a bunch of creepy hacker and rape device stuff."

Riley, who had watched the exchange with all the enthusiasm of someone auditing a college class they hated, finally spoke up. "So you're God, now?" The words were acid, but the edge was duller than before.

“Rude, Andy wields his gifts a lot more responsible than other masters.”

“…”

“Well Gina, would you like to add something?”

“The fuck you’re smirking at?”

“From all the masters we covered, you have to it Andy is the very model of a modern harem master.”

“I it nothing.”

“Oh? If you had to be part of harem with a male master, Gina. Which one would you choose?

“HAH?”

“He is smarter than Nick, never messes up like Dick. He is not a wimp like Caleb. Still young compared to Michael. And Mark, Ashley and Bruce, well, I think we both agree they are not even in the running.”

“GRRRRRRRRRRRR.”

“Answer the question, Gina. And...be honest.”

“Grr…f-f-f-f-ihinnnnnnnnnkkjknjikjkkjkjk!A.aaahaaa….ndddd….yyyyyyyy”

“Well, that sounded a bit like the summoning of an eldritch monstrosity, but I am glad you agree.”

“That doesn’t mean I like him!”

“He is benevolent, Well build. Rich. Still in his twenties. Good in bed. Has impeccable taste in clothing. And is comfortable while turning into a Woman. So please, tell me Gina, what flaw does he have?”

“Well, you’re obsessed with him. That’s a huge flaw.”

“Oh, you are simply incorrigible!”

Andy shrugged. “Her name’s Harper. She and hers got it much rougher than us. Incompetent Host, set them up to fail, I think. One of her Contestants fled due to abuse by another. Ended up here, somewhere. I don’t know where, Arabella took her in. Harper sent me that plushie during the first round of fan mail. She said it’d help any of you who needed it, and I would like you to have it, for now. For good luck, if nothing else.”

“Ah, the fox plushie is a replica of Vix. That feels in somewhat poor taste.”

“Screw that! When the fuck did a contestant flee on the mermaid season?"

“I do not think we reached that point yet, Gina.”

“So, Andy just spoiled us. What do you think about loverboy now, Marcie?”

“That was indeed very naughty. I will have to make sure to punish Andy plenty later for that...fufufu...”

“Fuck that smile is somehow even more creepy.”

“Ah yes, on that topic, Arabella decides to be scary for once to set Riley straight.”

“Not like the coward would ever follow through with her threats. Seriously, all she had to do was shown her Katherine, pretty sure that would get her to jump Andy’s bones fast.”

“I do not need Katherine for that.”

Intermission: "You All Meet in a Tavern…"

“There’s a fucking good reason to stay the hell away from this harem.”

“Gina please.”

“But we had so much fucking dungeon shit in the mermaid season! I don’t want to read an entire chapter of this nerd shit! Ugggghhhh! I hate dicks and dice!”

“Gina you are acting childish.”

“Let’s just skip forward to something more fun, like Andy talking about his drowned girlfriend. Again.”

“It does come up a lot. Well, the date between Andy and Riley went about as good as you might expect. As it happens, Riley blames Andy for Laura’s death.”

“Don’t really blame her. What kinda weirdo slapsticks himself of a bridge? Goofy ass bitch."

"As someone who had a near death experience once and was rescued by my bratty love interest, I know exactly what Andy is going through."

"Wanna do it again?"

“After that displeasant affair, Andy decides to use his amazing hacking skills to make the elevator go down below. No really, is there anything he can not do?”

“Marry you.”

“Hmph!”

They stopped before a glass door, the name etched in neat script: Dinah Hornblower, MD. “She’ll be with you in just a moment,” the Mildred said, then glided off, leaving Andy and Arabella in the hush of the waiting area.

“WHAT!”

“Apparently we found Harper’s escaped contestant.”

“And not just that! We are getting to see a whole scary ride worth of eliminated contestants and wow that shit is both demented and extremely depressing.”

“If Xar is good at one thing it is showing the true horror of Harem Hotel. Sure, other seasons may mention those eliminations” and give us a brief glimpse but Xar is not afraid of showing us with living with these truly entails.. With Katherine of course but also with the various creative eliminations showcased here.”

“And Dinah flew from a sexy shark lady to tend to these things. Great job, Dinah. You really traded up.”

Four large breasts, perfectly spaced, and a body-hugging cocktail dress that left little to the imagination.

“What is with the multi breast shit? Weirdo.”

“We saw a woman inside a clock, Gina.”

“Fourboobs is also mute. In case you’re counting, that’s the third mute person on this season. At this point it’s a kink.”

“And to make matters even worse for Eden, she also has no arms.”

“Yeah, right moving very quickly along from THAT. One of the asylum caretakers is getting a chance to escape this hellhole and Andys harem. Because one new hole is apparently not enough for mister huge dick.”

“Of course before Andy can choose, he has to sample them.”

“Never use that phrase again:”

We’ll use it. I’ll even overlap the time, so you don’t have to burn three days. A gift, from me to you.”

“OH SURE GREAT ADD EVEN MORE DAYS TO THE ROUND! IT’S NOT LIKE THESE CHAPTERS AREN’T GOING ON FOR FOREVER, AS IS!”

“While Andy is enjoying his time below, the harem is worried sick due to his sudden absence. Well, he did not tell them, so that makes sense.”

“Your Hero, Marcie.”

“Naturally, they are all going to search for him. Except Norah, who probably slept through the whole matter. Or got stuck in a manhole cover butt up.”

“With the others,” he said. “There’s a talk I have to have with all of you. It's time. I need to tell all of them about Laura. About everything.”

“Didn’t we do this three times already? Fucking hell. I feel like I could make out a play of the drowning of Laura at this point. I call it, One little slip.”

“That sounds in poor taste. Unless I get to play Laura.”

“If I get to drown you, sure.”

“Your mermaid is showing, Gina.”

The clock read 7:38, the seconds blinking, smug.

“It’s a fuckin clock, how can it be smug?”

“Well, we did just saw a clockified contestant…”

“Don’t remind me.”

He cleared his throat, and said, “There’s someone you might want to see.” The moment the words left his mouth, he felt the temperature in the room drop—not literally, but with the kind of shiver that meant he’d just walked straight into the next chapter.

“Hah, I wish. It’s still the same long ass chapter.”

“In a strange twist of event it turns out Eden is Katherine’s sister.”

“They weren’t from the same season, which makes the fact that they both ended up mute even more confusing...actually you know what Marcie?”

“I dread to ask.”

“I think HugeDick just has a thing for cripples.”

“Oh boy.”

“No, seriously. This girl is mute. This girl is mute and has no arms. This girl is mute and death. This girl is mute and stuck in a painting. ”

“I would say you are reaching Gina, but then again, a test would surely diagnose Norah as mentally disabled.”

“Now, Andy has the pick of either a mute, nudist or lesbian. Great. I love getting only doubles.”

“In the end, Andy settles for Emily. A contestant from the very first season of Harem Hotel actually.”

“Oh, is that one any good, Marcie?”

“It was cancelled.”

“Of course it fucking was.”

"Being friendly, I know," Erin cut in, crossing her arms. "But she's probably had enough people staring at her body for one morning." She turned to Emily, her expression softening. "You want some actual breakfast before these vultures pick you apart, Em?"

“Now that nickname will just be confusing! Of course it does not help that we have an Erin, Emi and Emily in this harem now.”

“Should have picked Dinah and just permanently turn into Andi. She’s actually pretty cute, much cuter than the male version. What’s so good about having all those muscles anyway, huh? I could still take you in a fight. All I need is a cutter and a ladder to reach the neck.”

“Are you ok, Gina?”

“UGH!”

“You know, if...heh..., when I marry Andy I will allow you up to two hours per week of Andi time, Gina. Nobody should say I am unwilling to share.”

"Yeah." Andi picked at a loose thread on her sleeve. "I have to use it once by the end of the round, and I've been putting it off. Who do I even ask to volunteer for that? 'Hey, want me to rewrite parts of your identity?'"

“I mean, after that fucker Mark I can appreciate the restraint but like just change a word now and then change a word back next round, you moron! What was that about being smarter than Nick?”

“I am not sure that is allowed, Gina.”

“Oh come on, Marcie! The season that is all about bullshit loopholes wouldn’t allow a cheat? Give me a break.”

Arabella smiled. “Today is off-script. An extra day, to balance the three nights we folded into one. There won't be a gap in the memory of the harem, and they won't anything that happens today except perhaps as a fading dream. But you will. There’s nothing in the official rotation, no eliminations, no date nights. We are, for the moment, in the eye of the storm.” She poured herself coffee from the still-hot carafe and sipped, black and unflinching. “Which is why I wanted to speak with you before the others wake.”

“MORE DAAAAYS?”

“Gina, breathe.”

“HAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH….”

“But I share your misgivings. This additional day is spend with Laura from Shar’ season. Which is a tad problematic.”

“What because of the name?”

“Oh no, not that. I just dislike the competition.”

“Laura is not falling for Andy, Marcie.”

“She let him ride on his back.”

“As the girl version.”

“Exactly. What if she falls in love with his female version?”

“It’s not gonna happen, Marcie.”

“I applaud your optimism, Gina. Personally, I prefer to stay vigilant. Andy’s natural charm and aura of seduction is frighteningly powerful. And Laura isn’t know for her strong force of will. I better inform Tracy of this potential threat. Ah, but what if she goes over Andy? I am sure Andy could handle the catgirl in a hacking contest but when it comes to strength..."

"You good? Can we move on?"

He took a breath. “Some of you know bits and pieces already, but most of you don’t know what happened to Laura. And I think—I think if we’re going to make it through this, you should.”

“Meanwhile I am going to write a dissertation about Laura. I call it: One little slip.”

“Didn’t you make this joke already, Gina?”

“EXACTLY!”

Riley stared at her hands, the black dust now streaking her knuckles like war paint. “She told me that if I stayed your friend, she’d never talk to me again.” The words slipped out before she could stop them. “I never understood why. I thought you were harmless.”

“Just saying, if the twist is going to be that Laura is just Dakota from another dimension I fucking called it.”

"No one here thinks he's a flawless hero," Emi said.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Gina?”

“Just cause.”

“Oh Gina, please. Of course I do not think Andy has no flaws.”

“…”

“He has awful taste in women, for one. And on that segue, we neglected to mention it so far but Andy does of course have sex. Unfortunately, it is all rather tame, so it does not appeal to me. It is rather cute though.”

“Ok, Marcie, question.”

“Yes, Gina?”

“How the fuck do you think this will work out...downstairs?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Because usually, these masters have some slut who likes pain and are more than happy to indulge but Andy here? This dork is only capable of the most basics of vanilla sex.”

“I am capable of enjoying normal sex, Gina. As you know, I am a master of the erotic arts. I can get a male to ejaculate using only a candle."

"Right. Normal sex."

She stared at the ceiling for a moment, then said, “You know, if you’re going to keep mocking me, I’m going to open the 1992 Merlot. And I won’t share.”

“Awful wine choice.”

“You have no idea about wine, Marcie.”

“Look at that Norah! Acting all smug!”

“Right.”

“And what are those pants? Bloomers and bikeshorts? Hideous fashion sense.”

“Fucking hell, why are you even so fixated on the bitch! She isn’t even your biggest competition.”

“Grrrrrrr.”

“Actually, never mind what I just said , it’s the obligatory appease wrynn chapter.”

“We are getting into somewhat freaky territory with Norah. As you may recall she turns into whatever Andy finds desirable and Andy decides to have some, sadly consensual, fun with it.”

It was strange and beautiful, like watching a software update happen in real time.

“Oh myyyyy...Andy has such a way with words...*swoon*”

“Come on! That turns you on? I mean, really? REALLY?”

“Shush it, Gina. I’m swooning.”

“Right, you know...”

“What?”

“You are currently getting off to Andy and Norah having sex.”

“…”

“Kinda cuck behavior, just saying.”

“N-No...i-it’s not like that...I..just enjoy Andy having his way with Norah and turning her into a lust puppet for his desires! This was purely humiliating and degrading! I mean Norah got four breasts! And she knows she is at Andy’s lustful mercy! She is without a doubt utterly mortified right now!”

“Marcie. Breathe.”

“HaHHHAAAAA!”

“...”

“Haa...haaa…haa..haaa.

“...”

“Haaa..haaaa…….haaaaaaaaaaa.”

“You good?"

“...quite."

“Eden and Katherine, too,” Andy said. “Both sisters, both picked as Contestants. Then there’s Laura Black and her twin sisters—one gets to be the Mistress, the others end up in the harem. It’s like the Hotel has a thing for generational trauma. For keeping it in the family, if you want to put it that way.”

Arabella smiled, wry and not at all surprised. “You’re not wrong.”

“You know on the one hand, I absolutely giving wrynn shit for constantly using that same line but let me just not unkindly say that Arabella is really sitting in a glass house here.”

“I named him John, after his Dad. He was—” She swallowed hard, then forced the next part out as if it had a weight she did not want to bear. “He was only a day old.”

“Ok, it’s tragedy o’clock again. Turns out Riley didn’t just lose Laura, which she clearly was in love with but also her man and her newborn. Sounds kinda familiar.”

“…”

“…”

“Not going to doing your thing, Gina?”

“Eh, you know, I’m kinda over it? After reading all these fucking harem hotel stories, the tragedies just don’t hit the same anymore.”

“Well, that is depressing.”

“Oh fine, for old times sake...ehem...MIMIIIIIII!!!!!!!!”

“Thank you, Gina.”

“No problem. But man, Riley never stops bitching, huh?”

“I would not mind if this keeps that way actually.”

“Less competition, Marcie?”

“Well yes, but also if this turns out with Riley seeing the error of her ways and forgiving Andy we are basically retreading the same grounds as with Norah and Erin. Her not turning around to him and the potential consequences of that would make for a more interesting plotline.”

She was incoherent by the time her panties came off, sobbing with pleasure and humiliation, tears streaking her cheeks as she clung to Andy’s body like a lifeboat. He slid his hand between her legs and found her drenched, her hips bucking at the lightest touch. Every nerve in her body seemed tuned to his presence. When he finally entered her, she screamed his name, the sound raw and shattering, then collapsed into a shaking, sweaty heap against his chest.

“My, now the round is starting to hit it’s stride. This was quite erotic indeed!”

He took a breath, found the authority in his voice, and Commanded: “Do not take off any of your clothes until you tell the truth about the ribbon to Dawn and Norah, in person. I’m sorry.”

“How is she going to use the bathroom?”

“You just had to go there Marcie didn’t you?”

Sam loves you, Liesa. I love you. But you are tearing yourself apart by keeping this buried within you.

“I just want to say that that was on purpose and that I will ignore all claims to the contrary.”

She looked up at him, eyes pleading. “Can you… order me to do it? Make it a Command?”

“That would be very erotic. He should also order Liesa to do the apology in song while wearing a tutu and riding an unicycle."

“We both know Andy is too much of a Pussy to do that, Marcie.”

“We did not bring it up, so far. But through the entire round there is a subplot that Liesa stole Dawns ribbon during the challenge and that Liesa should come clean. She finally does it shortly before the end of the round. It does go over about as well as you might expect.”

At the far end, Riley snorted. "Pathetic," she muttered, not even bothering to lift her head.

“Riley gets it.”

“Oh?

“Like, they sure as fuck give Liesa a lot of shit for just playing the game. Someone had to be eliminated. Liesa was just doing what she had to.”

“Well, well, well.”

“Why are you smuging, Marcie?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“…”

“It is just when Mira was doing what she had to were all up in arms."

“Oh, don’t you fucking dare.”

“But now when Liesa does the exact same thing you suddenly complain about it.”

“Mira fucking raped Eliza! This was stealing a fucking a ribbon!”

“A ribbon that could have gotten Dawn eliminated.”

“We both know Andy would have used his veto anyway!

“Your point, Gina?”

“My point is, this whole thing feels stupid and forced. HugeDick is trying to hard to stick to the plot even when this should be a non issue. I give Mira a lot of shit, but this is how you do a fucking proper drama.”

“How about we split the difference and say that both Dawn and Eliza were overreacting?”

“I’m about to split something else, Marcie.”

They walked side by side, silent as siblings in a car ride

“HAVE YOU EVER HAD SIBLINGS?”

“I did not. Orphan.”

“Oh...Oh….OHHHHHHHH!”

“Gina, I think it is my turn to tell you to take a breathe.”

“Andy brings Riley to the memory cabana, aka worst challenge ever, because the one thing this story needs is MORE LAURA FLASHBACKS!”

The cabana faded. In its place: a wooden bridge, slick with rain, the water below churning brown and dangerous.

“I am about to jump from that bridge if I have to hear this fucking story one more time.”

“Hm.”

“Marcie! For fucks sake! You hate flashbacks! It’s part of your character or something! Start bitching already!”

“Well, these are not flashbacks in the traditional sense.”

“WHAT!”

“We are essentially getting a live commentary. It is essentially a telling of what happened, not a flashback.”

“Oh yeah, because telling is much better!”

“And besides, we do learn more valuable information.”

“After Myra told me what happened with Chloe…”

“No, seriously, why is it always a Mira?"

"I suppose we need to set up the next antagonist now that Riley has forgiven Andy."

"Wow, are you actaully annoyed for once, Marcie?"

"Yes, again, keeping Riley hostile would have added some conflict to the harem. Constantly switching villain of the round is rather poor form."

"Oh fuck no.”

“What now Gina?”

“It’s one of those Andy walks all over the place and has a talk with every girl chapter!”

“Well.”

“This review is gonna break thirty pages, urrp...I think I’m going to vomit.”

“Gina calm down, this one goes considerably faster. And he has an orgy while doing it. Very rad, as the kids these days would say.”

“Ah didn’t we already have Emily’s night?”

“That was just the introduction. This is the proper night.”

Emily’s eyes narrowed, skeptical but not unkind. “Even Riley?”

He nodded. “Especially Riley.

“Whenever someone says Even X? You have to answer with especially X. I call it the Sideshow Bob rule. As always, Andy proves his excellent taste in everything not women related.”

“I feel like melting into the chair.”

“Hmmmhmm, me too, Gina. We are getting a body control scene between Andy and Emily.”

“Come for me, Emily,” he said, and this time the Command was absolute.

“Marcie too thinks this is the high of eroticism. Maybe you two are made for each other after all.”

“Thank you. Cum for me as a reward."

"Blluhaaa....f-fff...ucking..."

"Hehehe, another thing for my things I have in common with Andy wall."

"H-how about I kill both of you so you can share that as well?"

Norah looked stunned, as if she couldn’t understand why people liked her.

“That makes two of us.”

“Marcie, please. No more wasting time on stupid bullshit.”

“Well, it is challenge time and this time it is group mission which is...quite rare.”

“Yeah, they have to break into a museum and steal some artifact or something. At least it’s not another fucking gun challenge.”

Arabella moved closer, voice low and intimate. “I remind you that I have no elimination veto left. I have exhausted my supply.” Her eyes flicked to Andy, a hint of mischief. “Should you wish to intervene, Andy, you alone may exercise the power. But : if you use it today, you won’t have any left for the last elimination challenge, at the end of the next round.”

“Ugh, this fake tension again. We know there won’t be any eliminations. Stop trying to act all cute, you pansy host.”

“You know, Arabella, if you ever wish to put Gina into a painting...for say a week or two. I allow it. Just make sure she is hung up during me and Andy’s Wedding night.”

“I FUCKING KILL YOU!”

One last reveal. Arabella’s smile lost all its playfulness. “As a final twist: in the interest of fairness, Erin, your immunity to arousal will be suspended for the duration of this Challenge. You will be as vulnerable as the rest.”

“Oh, right. Almost forgot that was a thing.”

“It used to be very erotic, but regrettably didn’t factor much in recently.”

“And now they are getting all some stupid codenames. Because that won’t be confusing.”

“Now, the gimmick is that this museum is filled with memorabilia from many seasons, Araballe and otherwise, so Xar actually provided two version of the chapters. One with spoilers and one without.”

“Oh no, guess we have to take the shorter spoiler on. Such a shame.”

“Actually, Gina. Xar was also generous enough to inform us that none of the spoilers we have yet to encountere are big enough to warrant the spoiler version.”

“I will shove this shovel down Hugedick’s throat so I can use Hugedick to shovel shit.”

One was an abstract rendering of a squid-woman entangled with a vintage sewing machine; the plaque read, The Dream of Mrs. Smythe

“Sounds something dickgirl-guy would write.”

“Oh yeah, my worries were warranted this whole museum is one giant reference fest.”

“Our intrepid phantom thieves are slowly making their way from room to room. Periodically encountering security guards(Mildreds) and in doing so are getting slowly but surely whittled down.”

“Marcie.”

“Yes, Gina?”

“Hugedick kinda sucks ass when it comes to writing challenges.”

“Gina, please.”

“No seriously, this is just the same shit over and over while the group slowly loses contestants. And even added a way to revive them. It’s fucking boring."

“I will grant you that, Gina. Maybe if the group could have split up like they originally planned we could have some engaging tactics, but as it is this is a lot of smashing your face into a wall until you break through, which just is not terribly engaging reading. The anti arousal patches should also have been drastically reduced to perhaps two at most."

“I will it, Sam and Claire’s final stand was pretty badass.”

“Indeed.”

“And Norah ends up winning the challenge this time.”

“Hmph, nothing but luck. She was carried hard by her teammate. I’m amazed she didn’t trip on her way out.”

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck her already and be done with it.”

The hug went on for minutes, maybe years

“WHAT THE FUCK SHIT IS THIS? NO! THE HUG DIDN’T WENT ON FOR YEARS, YOU LINGUISTIC CLOWN!"

“And on that note the challenge ends. Riley is the loser and Norah the winner, which means Riley is eliminated.”

“Fat fucking chance at that, of course. Andy uses his veto. Obviously. I didn’t even get the pleasure of having Marcie completely misread the room this time.”

“I would like for you to cease bringing that up, Gina.”

“Yeah, yeah, so best girl and worst girl, huh? Let’s make this quick. I give best girl to Sam, purely on notion of that badass final stand.”

“I suppose she is your type now that she gained muscles."

“Worst girl? Eh...Chloe?”

“Oh, any reason?”

“I jut think she didn’t particularly distinguish herself this round. This harem has too many girls.”

“Never thought I would hear you say that, Gina.”

“Oh fuck off. Pick your girls and let us be done with this.”

“We have a match for once, Gina. Best girl was Sam for me too. I really ike her. Especially her sexual orientation. I wouldn’t put much stock on remaining a lesbian for long when in the presence of the pure unadulterated masculinity that is Andy, but really, well done holding out for so long.”

“…”

“And worst girl. Do you even have to ask? Norah. As I expected a whole buffet of clumsy and absurd behavior. I would say she should get eliminated but since Andy clearly cares about her I suppose she can serve as me and Andy’s court jester. Her clumsy antics certainly make her perfect for that.”

“Cool awesome. Finishing comments. 300 characters or less.”

“Overall a very solid round. It perhaps could have been shortened a bit. But I enjoyed myself. Especially the sex scenes with Andy. He has potential. And I am looking forward to seeing him make more use of his body control and hacking powers. And he should transform Norah into a cactus.”

“If I ever come across a Laura on a bridge I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

“Ha. Well, I believe we are done. And would you look at that. Under 30 pages too.”

“Thank fuck for that.”

“Now, that will just not do. That will not do at all.”

*Gina was breathing like an especially suave microwave.*

“How can I convey my love to Andy with such a short and unremarkable review?”

“Marcie. For the love I have for sharks. The guy is married. The wedding is over. It’s done. Give it up.”

“…”

“…”

“...You know, Gina. Maybe you are right.”

“…”

“I was acting rather unbefitting of someone of my station. I should know that some things in life are simply unobtainable. Andy has whole host of haremettes to take care of. And since we are behind on our read I can only imagine that they have increased in numbers even further.”

“…”

“Maybe some things are just not meant to be. I think this was a good humbling experience. Even for someone of my genius and accomplishments, I have things that are out of reach. Yes, I see now. The time has come to move on. After all, Curtis isn’t THAT much of a downgrade. Shall we see what our dashing rogue gets up to these days?”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“That’s at least what I would have said if I were a quitter!”

“I KNEW IT!”

“Now, it is certainly true that I just don’t seem to get through to my beloved , darling Andy.”

“...Marcie? Why are the lights going out?”

“You know, Gina. Maybe, text is not the best medium to convey my feelings.”

“Marcie...whatever you are planning, stop.”

“Light…”

“Marcie….”

“Camera….”

“MARCIEEEEE!”

“ACTION!”