Well At Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now, by Jerynboe

“A PIRATE STORY!”

“Yes, Gina.”

“I like pirates!”

“Because there is a high likelihood of a shark being in it?”

“I mean, yeah! But not just because of that! Ted’s pirate story was great! Too bad the lazy shit never updated.”

“Well, I think that one was less pirate and more...Ted. Grrr. Ted...”

“We also had sumedokin’s air pirates and many, many space pirates. Now that I think about it, did we ever have an actual proper pirate story before, Marcie?”

“I do not. think so, Gina. The closest would be wilparu’s The steward,”

“Alright! We are reading, Well At Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now, by Jerynboe, which is a branch in a story called...WHAT THE FUCK!”

“That is not what it is called.”

“Yeah, it’s worse. Are you fucking kidding me, Marcie? I thought this was about something cool like pirates! This is just some cringy nerd shit!”

“Maybe it will not be so bad. Look, the tags promise Disney.”

“You are not helping your case, Marcie.”

“Perhaps we should just start. I am sure it will not be as bad as that horrid title suggests.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

I was purchased after my ****, apparently. Wholesale. The god of my world had a chosen people and I wasn’t one of them. I don’t resent him for it. He didn’t throw me into some kind of hell. Apparently The Company was some kind of interdimensional entertainment corporation. I didn’t really love the idea of being someone’s sex doll or action figure, but they assured me that hardly anyone actually wanted someone who wasn’t happy to be there, and they typically used the souls of serial rapists for that kind of client when they did show up.

“This is just another Harem Hotel!”

“No, Gina.”

“COWGUY IS IN THE COMMENTS!”

“That is true.”

“WHY IS COWGUY ALWAYS IN THE COMMENTS? IS THE FUCKER STALKING ME? FUCK OFF! YOU FUCK!”

“I am sure it is just a coincidence, Gina.”

“Guess that means this story will be full of big boobs and cows. At least you will feel at home.”

Well, let us just focus on the story.”

“You have big boobs.”

Spellcraft check: 22.

Success!

Seal of Alternative Payment

Aura: Enchantment

“I KNEW IT!”

“Gina, please.”

“This is just pretending to be a pirate story, when actually it’s one of these virgin loser nerd dice games!”

“Well, these two are not mutually exclusive, Gina.”

“Yes, they are, Marcie. You can’t be a virgin loser nerd and a Pirate. You have to choose.”

“Why do I have the feeling that this will be a very tiresome review again?”

“Ok, so this is a Isekai, because if we aren’t reading Harem Hotel we are reading Isekai, and it’s about some dude getting reincarnated as a pirate ****.”

“Well, a Drow actually. Like Lunnara. You liked Lunnara, ?”

“Right, but aren’t these supposed to be female?”

“Well, there are male Drows…”

“Great, so we are a pirate **** bitch on some ship that’s pirated by ugly ass dudes. No, seriously, the author goes to great length to hammer that point home by shoving 3(THREE!) pictures of ugly ass dudes in my face!”

“Well, at least he does not actually shove it in our face.”

“…”

“Because this author has apparently yet to learn how to pictures. Or link something in a state that is presentable. Hmph, pathetic.”

“Are we sure this dweeb isn’t just shilling his patreon Marcie? Because he sure is fucking bringing it up at every opportunity.”

“Well, there is a distinct possibility.”

“Fucks sake. Why don’t we have a Patreon, huh? We could charge this masochists like a thousand bucks per review. We could be rich! RICH!”

“Well, to be frank, I fear it would compromise our integrity if we charge money.”

“I compromise your integrity if you don’t stop with that bullshit!”

“The story, if you please, Gina.”

“Sure. So, this is basically just the daily life of drow pirates. And if the bunch of ugly ass dudes didn’t tip you off, this is one of the unsexiest story in existence. Like this has reached sumedokin tier of non eroticism.”

“Which incidentally, also features a character getting kidnapped by pirates.”

“Yeah, but at least in that story the pirates were hot! Here half of them are ugly dudes!”

“Well, at least there are some girls in it.”

“Stop.”

“What?”

“I see what you are doing, Marcie. And I won’t stand for it. It’s already bad enough that I have to put up with that stupid bullshit in the story.”

“Ah, yes I do hate it too when the internal chapter number does not match the number given by the chapter title. It is very frustrating.”

“That was not what I meant, Marcie…”

“But at least the few girls that do show up are not half bad, right?”

“Yeah, I like Caulky, she is cool. And Sandara. Too bad the story that is literally called Waifu Catalog does not think it needs to catalog Waifus.”

“What we do catastead is a fairly standard Isekai cheat skill narrative, were our protagonist slowly gets more powerful.”

“Basically, it’s the same shit Meedrow did.”

“Rudimentary.”

“By the way, what happened to that loser, Marcie?”

“Oh, he actually happened to just recently update.”

“Really?”

“Yes, there are now a grand total of three new chapters since our last read ten months ago.”

“What was I expecting?”

“Come on Gina, In a sense this is a Medrow story too, no?”

“…”

“Moving on.”

Huh. I’m seriously contemplating ****. That should probably bother me, but in my defense I was kidnapped and enslaved. I can be forgiven for feeling a little vicious, right?

“Sure you can but you’re still getting on the scumbag list, buddy.”

“Our main character is...interesting. The set up is your typical power fantasy but he does have a decent moral com. Certainly more then the original inhabitant of the body our protagonist took over.”

I was alone. In fact, I was substantially more alone than I should be, because I’d left the door open and the goats escaped. (Perception 8+3= 11 partial success) I walked down the hall and peered around a corner, where a grey goat was sniffing at something on the ground. (Opposed Stealth 8+7=15) I deftly approached the goat and grabbed its collar before it even realized I was present. I hauled the protesting goat back to the galley, but it was squirming around and just generally making things difficult. Experimentally, I tried cursing the goat to make things easier for me. There was no light show; I just muttered a word that left a bitter residue in my mouth, and my furry adversary’s legs started spasming. Not enough to be concerning, but it became much harder for him to brace his legs to resist me.

I began by pulling out a dozen eggs from Kroop’s stores, and boiling most of them, setting the last few to the side. While they cooked in the pot, I prepped the feet and assembled a simple spice rub with garlic and the cheapest peppers I could find in Kroop’s spice cabinet. I placed a bottle of light olive oil next to the fresh eggs, pulled the hard boiled eggs out of the hot water with a spoon, and set them aside. “Alright. Everything should be ready to cook in a few hours. Too early to start now.” (Secret Profession (chef) 19+1=20) Did autopilot just sass me? Either way, good point. Gran’s recipe only took around three hours and it’s not even noon.

“Catching goats and boiling eggs. That’s what I want to read in my porn story. I have no idea how this guy made pirates boring, but Jery over here sure succeeded. At least there are no cows, I guess.”

In retrospect, magically making a hot girl like you in order to get her to meet you alone when everyone else is asleep could be easily misinterpreted. So, how do I salvage this?

“Apparently you don’t. Because the only time this fucker tries to seduce a girl he gets punched in the guts.”

“Look, I just have a bad feeling about this.” I pleaded, “I feel like something might happen while we are out there. Aren’t there, like, sea monsters or something in these oceans?”

“SHARKS! There are sharks in the ocean!”

"Here we go..."

Help her. I invoked the power of the lower planes and my dark bloodline to conjure a beast from the abyssal seas. A dark grey Dolphin, honestly quite similar to a mundane one, seemed to coalesce and grow from the small cloud of blood already forming around Syl. It tackled the reefclaw that wasn’t closely engaged, distracting it for the moment.

“A FUCKING DOLPHIN? I HATE DOLPHINS! THEY ARE THE ENEMY OF SHARKS! AND RAPISTS! SHARKS AREN’T RAPISTS! SO, WHY ARE THEY GETTING SUCH A BAD REPUTATION? IT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Gina, please calm down.”

Please don’t be sharks. Please don’t be sharks. Would darkness even stop sharks? Do they have super smelling or something? Am I an idiot?

“Yes they do, yes you are. Also fuck you! Sharks are awesome!”

Before dinner, the whole crew was gathered on deck. Kroop was kept in the kitchen, but I was specifically requested. Sandara was pulled out of the box, stripped to the waist, and tied to the mast. Her respectable chest was pressed against the hard wooden pillar, bent slightly at the waist so her pert ass stuck out. It’d probably be damn hot if someone tried to draw it, but there was nothing sexy about the way she watched Plugg the whole time with cold, silent fury.

“Ok, this is the sexiest thing that happened so far and it’s whipping porn. And you know how much I love whipping porn, Marcie.”

“How nostalgic. It’s been a while since unkown requested a review. Looks like she finally moved on.”

“That or she got better at disguising herself.”

I methodically worked my way through the procedure I’d been drilled on back home. Using a flat, relaxed tongue, I licked from the base of the vagina to the clitoris. Teasing, gentle. More pressure could fire me out and I didn’t know how long she’d keep me down here. She was appreciative, though. I’d hardly begun and her breath was already hitching, her hands clutching the edge of the table. Must not be orally pleasured very often. (Perform: Sexual 16+4=20 great performance). With that in mind, I started extremelt gentle when I reached her clit. I took it in my mouth and sucked with a sustainable, consistent level of pressure. She wrapped her thighs around my head and whimpered, so I knew it was the right choice. Then she surprised me.

“Alright took us all the way to chapter 18 to get some sex and he fucking makes it a dice roll! Because of course he makes sex a dice roll! Nothing sexier then that!”

“To be fair, Gina. That is not lost on the story.”

“I don’t care.”

(Should you happen to be the sort who benefits from trigger warnings, here’s one for grief/loss.)

“What’s with the smug way of phrasing that, you smarmy little shit? Some people just happen to get triggered easily, like me, BY HAVING TO READ ANOTHER FUCKING TRIGGER WARNING!”

“I do wonder what this trigger will be about this time.”

“Who cares? I bet it’s some pansy ass bullshit again.”

“Let us read on.”

“Ok, so drow boy gets a promotion to be a proper plundering pirate but in order to be a proper plundering pirate he has to learn how to pillaging enemy ships so they are having a mock pillaging ships battle and...”

Sandara has been struck with an axe by Master Scourge. Critical hit. Sandara has taken 24 damage.

Sandara has sustained a fatal injury.

I nearly lost my grip, but I still had a challenge to complete. I continued my ascent, shouting up at Jack and Caulky to drop whatever they were doing and help Sandara. I’d invested too much into her to let her die now. (Climb check 17-1=16 success.) I shouldn’t have bothered. When I pulled myself over the railing, with Owlbear close behind me, I could tell that the mock battle was over. Riaris was attempting to apply pressure to the wound, but the sheer amount of blood squirting out told me that a major artery had been severed.

Sandara Quinn has died.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”

“And here I thought you don’t get triggered, Gina.”

“There are a billion rat ass dudes on this ship and you kill one of the girls? What the fuck is wrong with you? I liked Sandara! You fuck!”

“I actually do have some issues with that.”

“Oh, good! Marcie! It’s about time you start pulling your weight!”

“The **** of Sandara was handled in a very anti climatic manner. We barely get any reaction from the other crew and while I understand why the author did it this way, it still leaves a sour taste in my mouth.”

“Ok, false alarm, so apparently this is a magic world were they can just resurrect the ****, so they bring Sandara’s dead body to a Necro dude and bam she is back to normal!”

“Which was no doubt the reason Sandara’s **** was handled in a rather detached manner. If you have to bring back people from the dead, at least have the decency to not milk their demise for cheap emotional payoff.”

“Marcie, I don’t give a shit if I have to milk your huge boobs, I’m just glad Sandara is back.”

“Well, it is a damned if you do, damned if you do not, type of situation that shows the limit of leaving narrative up to dice rolls. I certainly have seen worse implementations then this.”

No one snowballs like Gaston.

“And there’s the Disney reference.”

“Just be glad there is no Sam in this story.”

“Drow boy’s posse starts to grow and grow and they even get a new ship. Too bad the captain of that ship is an asshole too.”

“Which is when the story enters it’s climax. Or well, the climax of this part at least.”

“Ok, so the fight some weird sea goblins and end up getting trapped on an island full of ghoul and there’s like a hot sexy female ghoul!”

“My, Gina. Are you actually excited?”

“No! I just like the girls in this story!”

“The story does a very nice job of describing a protracted siege battle against a horde of ghouls. It is honestly quite exciting.”

“No, it isn’t!”

“Gina please.”

“No, seriously, this part goes on for way too long.”

“It maybe drags a bit.”

“And the moment they won the ghoul fight, Em beats the asshole captain in a duel and becomes captain! The end! Of Book 1! Because this is one of those pretentious asshats authors who segments their story into books."

“What do you think about it, Gina?”

“There were no sharks in it!”

“And otherwise?”

“There was barely any sex either!”

“Hm.”

“And that stupid chapter naming scheme drove me insane!”

“Well…”

“How can you even stomach it, Marcie? You went completely apeshit last time.”

“I quite enjoyed this one actually.”

“What!”

“No, seriously, I think it was a very enjoyable ride. For a reincarnated isekai protagonist Emrys was quite amusing to follow. It reminded me of Overlord actually, with a less murderous protagonist.”

“Yeah, ok Marcie. I don’t like how he was a dick to Caulky though. Caulky did nothing wrong!”

“Yes, this story is not exactly wish fulfillment material, which meant the protagonist is not getting all the girls.”

“I should like that but it still pisses me off!”

“As far as criticism go. I do think the dearth of erotic happenings is a valid point of contention. Oh sure Jery tosses some sex scenes our way, but they are clearly an afterthought and were implemented because this is technically supposed to be a porn story, even when it is obvious that this author is merely using the porn label to attract gullible readers.”

“Wow, Marcie! Where was that venom the entire review?”

“As I was saying, Gina. I was enjoying myself. When it comes to level up stories, I honestly rank this one among the best we covered."

“uhu, you haven’t drawn a map though. So you can’t like it that much.”

“Gina, please. I have only done that two times.”

“Yeah, yeah, we're done?”

“I think so. All in all a pretty enjoyable read. I would not mind coming back to it, actually.”

“Next time you better include some sharks, you fuck! Or the only well you get to see is the bottom of one!”